Written by Phillipe on August 20th, 2010

You know, I like Dimmu Borgir. I think they can (or could, at least) pull off some killer symphonic black metal albums. Hell, who else but them could make a masterpiece like Progenies of the Great Apocalypse? What about The Insight and the Catharsis, or Spellbound?

They also like to experiment, you know. Pretty much like a confused teenager kid who suddenly finds himself kind of liking other guys, they experimented a little bit back in the day and produced what was, hands down, the gayest black metal album ever created: Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia. The problem with that album was that it sounded like Dimmu Borgir meets Cradle of Filth meets Daft Punk. It just didn't work. I don't know about you guys, but where I come from, black metal isn't exactly associated with elements such as "industrial", "futuristic" or "post apocalyptic". When was the last time you saw a song like Puritania labeled as black metal? Never, simply because it's not. It's an abortion, a mix of industrial poser goth crap with no redeeming traits whatsoever.
Well, most teenagers eventually grow past the "experimenting" phase, and remain straight. That's what I thought had happened with Stormblast 2005 and In Sorte Diaboli. And here I am, reviewing a song that shows me that not only have Dimmu gone back to their homo days, but that they're up there with Dani Filth in the scale of royal cocksucking.

The song starts impressively enough, with some really epic, majestic chants and orchestral work. Holy shit, this is gonna be fucking awesom-- wait. What the hell? No. Please, don't do it. Please, NOT THOSE FUCKING ROBOT VOCALS AGAIN. I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THAT BULLSHIT, THIS IS NOT WHAT BLACK METAL IS SUPPOSED TO SOUND LIKE, YOU FUCKING DICKHEADS.

Oh, but that's not all. You see, firm to their Puritanical Euphoric Faggotry tradition, the melody itself turns into something that could come straight from Nymphetamine. Think of the gay keyboards in the beginning of Kings of the Carnival Creation. Yeah, it's that bad.

The robot voice continues on for a while, and then the epicness kicks in once again when the choir takes over (not without Shagrath trying to ruin it), and then.. then something happens.

Not satisfied with having raped this song with his own vocals, Shagrath decided to hire Alvin the Chipmunk to sing along with him. I'm not kidding here. You know that Edguy song, the one about the alien bunnies? Remember that section with the hilariously high little voice? This is pretty much the same. Except that one was, you know, a joke. I'd be lying if I said I laughed at this, because I wasn't. I was crying.

The worst part is that if you remove both Shagrath and the chimpunk, this turns out to be an incredibly beautiful song. Take for instance the section that comes after that. The orchestra really shines here, and OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBOT VOICE AGAIN!

Then a lame guitar solo.

Then the same robot + gay melody section I mentioned earlier.

Then some attempts at black metal vocals.

And just then, JUST then, some real black metal riffing.

I won't lie, the section that comes after this is actually pretty nice. Shagrath's still doing the robot vocals, but somehow they sound a little bit darker, and they strangely fit here. And the chipmunk does some amazing job as well, creating a beautiful, sad and mysterious atmosphere. Kind of what the entire fucking song should've been like.

And then it ends. So yeah. What the fuck was that.
This wasn't funny. At all. I fucking knew this was gonna happen when I saw the album cover, but still.. I've been anxiously expecting this album like a 15 year old girl would expect her first real dicking, and now I'm as disappointed as she would be after discovering her boyfriend had chlamydia. The problem with Dimmu is that they have so many ideas, but they just don't know how to put them together. They're like "Hey, let's make an album with symphonic stuff and a giant orchestra and choirs but also industrial, with robot voices and futuristic themes but also it's gotta be black metal so we throw some black metal riffs here and there but it has to have some guitar solos so we put a solo and also THAT HORRIBLE, ANNOYING CHIPMUNK VOICE OF HELL".

You can see this even in their band pictures, or album artwork. Their outfits, their corpsepaint.. It's all a mashup of styles and elements that just don't work together. Black metal is supposed to sound medieval. Not futuristic, and sure as hell not industrial.

So yeah, I'm giving it a 0. Not because it's that bad (remove all the vocals and you have a masterpiece worthy of praise and admiration), but because it symbolizes everything that's wrong with Dimmu Borgir.They sound like they're trying really hard to be like Cradle of Filth, and then suddenly feel a huge remorse and add some black metal elements to their music because hey, that's what they're supposed to be. For Christ's sake, make up your mind guys. You have the talent, you just don't know how to use it.